Show Empathy

Children have always been comfortable with me. This despite my large frame. There are two reasons for this. I don't make two mistakes which most of the people make when they meet a child.

Let us assume you are visiting your friends house. You see his 2 year old child sitting on the floor, playing happily. What do you do normally? You swoop down on the child, lift him up and give him a crushing hug, all the time talking loudly to him. The child is scared stiff by now. Then what do you do? You see the child clutching a toy and immediately ask him/her "Will you give that toy to Uncle/Aunty?'. You can forget about having any friendship with that child.

Imagine you are sitting watching the TV in the house peacefully. Your fathers long forgotten friend ( let us assume he is 6ft 5 inches tall, weighs 120kg and you have not seen him at all, but he knows you by name) walks in and gives you a bear hug and lifts you off the floor. How will you feel? Very uncomfortable?. This is precisely how a child feels. For you, he is your friends son, but for him you are a total stranger and he doesn't (for that matter, nor do we) like strangers to enter our intimate space. Also for a child sitting on the floor, all of 2.5 feet, you at 5ft 8inches looks like a giant (if you want to know how you look to him from that angle, watch the lovely movie 'Baby's Day Out'). And there he is in his comfort zone, playing peacefully when his whole world is shattered by this strange animal - you, whom he has never met in his life. Still wonder why keeps a distance after that?

A child is very very possessive. He is very attached to his toys or for that matter anything that belongs to him. The moment you ask him to give you the toy he has in his hand, he starts loathing you and looks at you as someone who has come to snatch his belongings. Still expect him to form a relationship with you? You must be very optimistic.

So how do you handle this?. First thing you have to do is allow some space between you and the child. Then sit on the floor, keeping a distance of at least 1-2 feet from him. Casually ask him what he is doing, give him some ideas but don't, don't touch his toys or him. After he starts talking to you, give him a chocolate (always carry some) and allow him to take it from your hand. Always give a child a toy and never ask for his toys to be given to you. Extend your hand and let him touch you rather than the other way around. Mark my words, he will be devoted to you in 5 minutes.

This is called Empathy. Empathy (from the Greek εμπάθεια, transliterated as empatheia, meaning "physical affection, partiality") is commonly defined as one's ability to recognize, perceive and feel directly the emotion of another. This is not to be confused with Pity, sympathy or compassion. In this case, you are empathising with the child which makes him very comfortable. As a human being the greatest thing you can have is empathy. If you are able to put yourself in others shoes and think like him/her, you will be able to understand most of the issues much better.

The story of you and the child can be extended to the work place. More often than not, a new manager to an organization behaves to his subordinates like what most people do with the child. He tries to look at everything from his viewpoint, scantily showing empathy and trying to change too many things too soon without giving a chance for the employees to get to know him and vice versa.

When you take up a new job, get down on your knees, offer something to the subordinates which they like, let them feel you (know who you are, what they can expect of you and what you stand for) and you in turn try to understand them better. Don't shake them out of their comfort zone too soon. You can effect change, but it has to be a gradual process.