BR is losing his touch

Buddhi Rakshasan was upset with me and refused to take my calls. But my persistence paid off, and he relented.

"Swamy, you have forgotten me. It is ages since you talked to me"

"I am sorry BR. No excuses. Just one of those phases when I retreat to myself. So what is new  these days?"

"This guy Ajit Duval has made life difficult for flies in the walls like me. Very difficult to get inside information these days"

"Ah.............................."

"I am afraid I cannot give you any political gossips, though there are plenty irrelevant things about Congress and APP"

"I am not interested in both of them. Anyway there is nothing secret about both. The dirty linen is washed in the public"

"I have some inside information regarding Indian Cricket"

"That should be interesting"

"Dhoni is definitely on his way out after the WC, irrespective of what happens in the knockout stages"

"That is no secret"

"With him his chamchas will also leave"

"That is the best piece of news you could have given me, which means.................."

"Ravindra Jadeja, Suresh Raina, Ishant Sharma and even Rohit Sharma"

"If Kohli takes over, then........................"

"Shikhar Dhawan will be feeling shaky after their spat in Australia. He is a marked man"

"Only Murali Vijay, Rahane is sure of their places under Kohli amongst the batsmen, Shami and Bhuvi amongst the bowlers along with Ashwin are bound to be in"

" Hmm..............."

"With Dalmiya at the helm, expect Wridhiman Saha to have a long run and perhaps Ashok Dinda and Manoj Tiwari"

"Oh no!"

"Saurav Ganguly will replace Ravi Shastri as Team Director"

"Saurav is ok. He at least has a good cricketing brain"

"Duncan Fletches is out and we may not have a foreign coach at all"

"With Saurav in charge, we might see some youngsters being roped in"

"But where are the youngsters?"

"Swamy! There are some good ones around but because of the focus on IPL, we don't get to hear of them. It is time to really have a go with Rahul, Unmukht, Baba Aparajith. And there is none better to groom them than Saurav"

"Is Kohlis temperament as a Captain suspect?"

"He is aggressive alright but he needs to accept the reality that our bowling as it stands today is not going to win Test Matches, either home or abroad"

"What will Dhoni et al do?"

"Dhoni is learning baby sitting, Raina will settle into a quiet married life, Jadeja will become another Irfan Pathan, and Shikhar Dhawan will play Big Bash in Australia, to be with his family"

I took leave of BR, but got a nagging feeling that he has lost his touch. Must be the inaction of the past year when he is not getting fodder for gossip from the Government.

The Art of Letter Writing!!!!!!!!!

Australian humorist David Thorne is amusing. His approach to complainants are hilarious and worth reading.

This is how he responded to a Bank asking him to settle his dues failing which action will be taken against him,

http://www.27bslash6.com/overdue.html

Then an unfortunate neighbour 'intimated' him about the likely noise that might emanate from his apartment as he is having a party. Piqued at the behaviour of his neighbour for not having invited him, David set after him,

http://www.27bslash6.com/matthewsparty.html

Then his landlord made the mistake of taking him on based on a complaint received from his neighbours for keeping pets in his apartment,

http://standardmadness.com/offbeat/david-thorne-driving-his-landlord-crazy


And this, when his gym membership expired and he was send a letter to renew it,

http://www.27bslash6.com/buffed.html



How I wish I could think up something like this!!!!

Inglish.................

The fundamental difference between a native English speaker and an Indian speaking English lies in the native English speaker thinking and speaking in English, while the Indian thinks in his mother tongue, translates in his mind and then speaks in English.

This often leads to hilarious situations as then the language ceases to be English and takes the avatar of Ineglish (Indian English). There are versions of Inglish like Manglish, Tanglish, Hinglish, Ginglish. Read on and figure it out if you can.

Principal to student - "I saw u yesterday rotating near girls hostel pulling cigarette...? "

Class teacher- "Pick up the paper and fall in the dustbin"

Hindi teacher -I'm going out of the world to America"

A few Teacher gems-
"Don't try to talk in front of my back
"Dont...Laugh at the back benches...otherwise teeth and all will be fallen down"
"Both of you three get out"
"Sunil, call that Misunderstanding" (the request was to call the girl student who was standing in the ground floor while the teacher was in the first floor)

It was very hot in the afternoon when the teacher entered.She tried to switch the fan on, but couldn't. and then this comment - "Why is fan not oning" (ing form of on)

Teacher in a furious mood- "Write down ur name and father of ur name"

Mother to son -"Will u hang that calender or else i'll HANG MYSELF"

Librarian in an school scolded - "If you will talk again, I will kneel down outside.

Chemistry Head of the Department -"My aim is to study my son and marry my daughter"

Headmaster to an errant student - "Tomorrow call ur parents, especially mother and father"

Teacher -"Why are you looking at the monkeys outside when i am in the class?"

Computer teacher in the lab to a student whose coding was incorrect - "I understand. You understand. Computers how understand?"

Seing the principal passing by, the teacher told the noisy class - "Keep quiet, the principal has just passed away"

A parking lot attendant to a car owner - "Sir, your previous tyre is flat"

- courtesy my good friend Sanjay in Delhi

Words and Thoughts

The period was early 1980's. One of my brother's close friend was in search of a bride. As is the custom in Kerala, the family identified a suitable girl and he went to see her. After the initial introductions were over, others withdrew to allow the boy and the girl to talk to each other for a few minutes.

Incidently, they got married and the girl became very close to our family. She had a fine sense of humour and much later she used to narrate the experience in a witty manner. The dialogue as it happened is reproduced, with what her actual thoughts/or what she actually wanted to say in italics and in brackets.

Boy: So.................... your name is xxxx
Girl (coyly): ummmmm (Asshole, you don't even know my name, and you want to marry me?)
Boy: I see that you have passed B Sc
Girl: Yes (At least you know that. So you are not as dumb as you look)
Boy: Then why didn't you join for M Sc
Girl: Um.. ah.....no special reason. Just like that (Fathead. Any idiot knows if I have the marks I would have joined M Sc. I didn't because I was not good in studies. Also my parents thought it fit for me not to study further as they want to marry me off to a slob like you)
Boy: What are your hobbies?
Girl: Reading, listening to music......... (Well really dressing up and parading in front of prospective boys like you and answering stupid questions like these)
Boy: Can you cook north indian and south indian (dishes)?
Girl: Of course ( He he. I can definitely cook a north indian and a south indian if they will only allow me)
Boy: So do you like me. Will you marry me?
Girl: Ummm ( Stupid. I am the last of 7 children, 4 girls and 3 boys. Do I have a choice?. Of course I have to marry you and God help me!)

Pliaa.................

Having an Airport in Calicut(Kozhikode) was a long standing wish of the people of Northern Kerala. After a prolonged and sustained effort, Calicut Airport became a reality in mid 80's. Though it is called Calicut Airport, in reality the Airport is located nearly 30 kms from the city and is in the adjoining Malappuram District, and near to the University Campus.

We were MBA students then and being a holiday, we went to the Airport premises to watch the inauguration. Many spoke in Malayalam and quite a few in English. The chief guest was from outside Kerala. One of the leading businessman of Calicut (I don't want to mention his name) was known for his lack of English language skills. He was a rustic malayalee who can hardly speak one word of English (some say he can't even speak Malayalam properly, but that is another story). Someone impressed upon him that he had to speak in English since the occasion demanded it. The guy went about his task of preparing the speech in English. Since he had many knowledgeable guys working under him, getting a speech written in English was the easiest thing. The hitch was in reading it at the function as he normally stumbled while reading English.

Then he remembered what the then President Giani Zail Singh used to do. Gianiji will have his English speech written in Punjabi script(he couldn't speak English) and read it out(Years later, Sonia Gandhi was to write Hindi speeches in Italian and read it out).

Taking inspiration from the President of India, the business magnate burnt the midnight oil and painstakingly converted the English speech into Malayalam Script (his vanity did not allow him to ask someone else to do it).

On the D-Day, he strode confidently to the podium to speak. By nature, he was a nervous guy who never appears too confident in the Public. The initial salutations went off nicely. No one suspected that he was reading the English speech written in Malayalam script. Then he started stressing on the struggles and agitations made by the locals to get the Airport constructed.

He said ' The people of Calicut had made numerous pleas to the Government over the years.........................'

There was a stunned silence, followed by hoots and whistles. He again repeated the word 'plea' many times. Each time the booing became louder. He was baffled. He just didn't know what was wrong. The problem was that while he converted the word 'Plea' into malayalam script, he wrote is as 'Pliaaa'. And he repeated the word at least a couple of dozen times, much to the merriment of a bored crowd. Till the end of the speech, he didn't understand why the hell the crowd was hooting.

There are stories (in fact same stories) attributed to lecturers who are not proficient in English in various colleges. In Victoria College Palghat, the lecturer in question was a guy called Manickan whose English was mediocre (that is putting it mildly). Don't ask me whether the stories are true or not.

Our department was in the first floor. One day Manickan saw a student spitting from the first floor balcony and rebuked him ' Don't spit. Understanding people will suffer'.

He caught 3 students listening to cricket commentary in the class ' Both of you three get out of my class'.

10 most stupid questions people ask

10 most stupid questions people usually ask in obvious situations and the possible answers you can give in italics,


1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...

"Hey, what are you doing here?"

Dont u know, I sell tickets in black over here..


2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

"Sorry, did that hurt?"

No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.


3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

"Why, why him, of all people"

Why? Would it rather have been you?


4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

Is the "Butter Paneer Masala" good??

No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occassionaly also spit in it.


5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

"Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big".

Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.


6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

"Is the guy you're marrying good?"

No,he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.


7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

"Sorry. were you sleeping?"

No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.


8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

"Hey have you had a haircut?"

No, its autumn and I'm shedding......


9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

"Tell me if it hurts?"

No it wont. It will just bleed.


10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

"Oh, so you smoke"

Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

- courtesy e-mail from a friend

Forwards and Midfielders

The Field Sales team and the Headquarters based Marketing team were at loggerheads. A consultant was asked to give a talk at a sales conference. The CEO asked him to focus on the importance of cooperation and teamwork between the Sales and Marketing teams, since neither group has a particularly high regard for the other, and the lack of cohesion and goodwill was hampering effectiveness and morale.

The marketing staff constantly moaned about the sales people 'doing their own thing' and 'failing to follow central strategy'; and the sales people said that the marketing people are all 'idle theorists who waste their time at exhibitions and agency lunches, have never done a decent day's work in their lives, have absolutely no field experience and are out of touch with ground realities'.

Being a lover of Football, the consultant decided to use the analogy of a team's forwards and midfielders working together to achieve the best team performance "......So, just as in the game of football, the midfielder, like the marketing department, do the initial work to create the platform and to make the opportunities, and then pass the ball out to the forwards, the sales department, who then use their skills and energy to score the goals. The midfielders and the forwards, just like marketing and sales, are each good at what they do: and they work together so that the team wins..." said the consultant, finishing his talk.

The audience seemed to respond positively, and the conference broke for lunch. At the bar the consultant asked one of the top sales-people what he'd thought of the analogy - had it given him food for thought?

"Yes, I see what you mean," said the salesman, "It does make sense. The sales people - the forwards, yes? - the forwards need the marketing department - the midfielders, yes? - to make the opportunities for us, so that we, the forwards, can go and score the goals - to win the business. We work together as a team - each playing our own part - working as a team."
The consultant beamed and nodded enthusiastically, only to be utterly dashed when the salesman added as an afterthought, "I still think our midfielders are a bunch of idiots..."